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By Anonymous Mike, pseudonymously.

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Thursday, January 1, 2009

I have been inspired by ExurbanKev to write up predictions for 2009. Much like him, I I think this will be my first and last attempt. However I promise that no matter how bad my predictions, I will not delete them from the archives because you won’t be able to find them in the archives anyway

First things first…. Sports

The Suns will make the playoffs but lose in the first round, thereby returning to their late 1990s mediocrity. Steve Nash and his back will finally break down. Sarver rejoices he won’t have to pay luxury tax.

The Coyotes will leave town and move to Toronto… this narrowly beats out the prediction that due to lease problems they won’t be able to leave and will fold thereby becoming the Cleveland Barons of the 21st Century.

Diamondbacks will miss the playoffs as the younger players fail to produce at the plate; due to economics the team contemplates more cutbacks they realize paying Haren and Webb market value means that over half their payroll might go to 2 players

Cardinals will miss the playoffs due to a resurgent 49ers squad, continue decades long search for a running game.

ASU will return to prominence by going to the Holiday Bowl (what you thought that the Rose Bowl was going to happen?) Erickson gets itchy to leave, fields offers from Phoenix College.

Arizona scene…

Brewer and the Republican Legislature solve the budget the only way still available, through heavy budget cuts and throw in some tax increases. Attempts to reach out to the Democrats fail as the Dems are more than happy to allow the Republicans to do the heavy lifting on budget cutting while proposing new and innovative ways to borrow and sell state assets in order to maintain spending… proposes selling naming rights to Wesley Bolin Plaza.

Napolitano’s local star will diminish after she leaves for Washington due to sudden realization that she didn’t do squat on the budget; not enough of a realization to permanently damage her but only to open the pathway to pound on Brewer. Also there will be a scandal arising from her administration. Linda Valdez continues to call her a genius.

The Arizona economy will continue to wallow in the doldrums due to a weak housing market. Google decides to come back to ASU, bringing with it 5 additional jobs. Arizona Republic calls it the light at the end of the tunnel and a new age for the economy.

Light rail will prove to be a technical success but ridership will decline from initial highs creating massive holes in the business plans. Local politicians will say that the only solution to declining ridership is to build more rail lines and restrict use of cars.
National scene…

Between his decisions to not close Guantanamo and not withdraw from Iraq, President Obama will have managed to piss off everyone in the country. Calls to save his presidency will abound, David Gergen will step forward. Obama’s rebound strategy revolves around getting the Republicans to win the House in 2010 and making John Boehner the new Newt Gingrich which has the added benefit of getting Nancy Pelosi out of his hair.

Economy rebounds, modest growth. No snarky remarks here by me, just keeping fingers crossed.

Henry Paulson piñatas sell like hot cakes. Lawrence Summers finds a unique interpretation of eminent domain which allows the feds to “repurpose” Harvard’s endowment.

During Putin’s trip to Washington, the Obama’s new dog peers into the Russian’s soul, bites leg.

Thomas Friedman will write yet another unbearable book. Paul Krugman will preface every column by reminding us he now has a Nobel Prize. The New York Times declares bankruptcy.

International scene…

Pakistan collapses sparking a small nuclear exchange in the region. Once again no snarky comment by me, just keeping fingers crossed and whistling past the graveyard

The collapse in oil prices leads to financial implosions among a number of nasty oil producing countries (Iran, Venezuela, Russia…) leading to all sort of foreign adventurism. Iceland, which has financial problems of its own, starts to build Viking longboats…

World economic crisis solved through sudden increase in consumer spending generated by Nintendo’s decision to actually produce enough Wii game consoles


If I’m wrong may we all be crushed by some sort of world financial crisis, nuclear war, or exploding caldera out of Yellowstone.