Arizona's First Political Blog

E-mail Anonymous Mike at zonitics4-at-yahoo.com

By Anonymous Mike, pseudonymously.

 
Sports Bigamy

Due to a prior engagement I won't be able to go to the D'backs playoff game tonight but I expect that there will be, as always, alot of Cubs fans dressed up in their team colors. If regular season forms holds, the overwhelming majority of said fans will be Valley residents and long-term ones at that.

Don't get me wrong, Phoenix has alot of Chicago transplants and I will be the first to admit that one's childhood sport loyalties stay with you. I don't expect transplants to engage in "sports bigamy" when those old loyalties conflict with the teams of their new community.

However.

The D'backs represent your community. For the vast majority of Americans, seeing highlights of D'back games on TV is the closest they will ever get to the realization that grass can grow in Arizona, that we don't ride horses to the ballpark instead of cars, and that we have electricity.

Please don't force me to remind you that you support a team that last won the World Series when Teddy Roosevelt was President and has become the symbol for lovable losers; in short Cubs fans represent all that is wrong with America and I can trace the social rot in this country to the loving national embrace of that team. Please don't force me to remind you that the D'backs and Marlins won more World Series, 3, over 16 collective seasons than the Cubs have won in 98 years.

So if you are a Valley resident who is going tonight to root for the Cubs, please have a sense of decency and keep the following in mind:

1) Don't comment that Chase Field is worse than Wrigley. Yes we know, your architectural options are somewhat more limited when you need to plan for 100 degree summer days. On the other hand it also has more recent World Series championship banners hanging on the walls than what you'll find at Wrigley

2) However you are allowed to criticize that there are far fewer places to booze up in the neighborhood around Chase before the game than Wrigley. Wrigleyville is a gem in that regard.

3) Stating that Old Style is the best beer of all time may entail security forcing you to wear an authentic Rex Grossman game jersey.

4) Be discrete in your Cubs paraphernalia. A hat or a shirt or even both is fine, bringing extras like signs or a foam finger may get you a box of scorpions mailed to your address

5) Asserting the marginal superiority of Alfonso Soriano over Chris Young is allowed as long as you acknowledge that Soriano makes about 42x Young's salary.

6) Gloating that Dan Bickley is writing for an Arizona instead of a Chicago newspaper is allowed as long as you acknowledge that you now live in Arizona and have to read him as well.

7) You are allowed to tell all D'back fans how much of a rich baseball tradition Chicago has as long as you point to the 2001 World Series banner as you do so

8) If you tell D'backs fans how much better it is to live in Chicago than Phoenix, then you will have to explain why you choose to live in a place that you find inferior. Don't be surprised if you have to wear an authentic Bob Avelini game jersey for your indiscretion.

9) Wearing another team's colors to our stadium in safety is an implicit acknowledgment of both our courtesy and sense of fair play; try doing the same thing in either Philly or New York

10) If you have lived your entire life in Phoenix and yet still root for the Cubs over the D'backs, I have heard talk of a surprise ceremony after the 7th inning where all such fans will be paraded around the field to be subjected to the ridicule for which they so richly deserve.
posted by Anonymous Mike at 1:33 PM