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By Anonymous Mike, pseudonymously.

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Thursday, July 26, 2007
Missed Opportunities

Today's AZ Republic has a sports column penned by Homer Simpson, it's worth a grimace or two. However let's face it, the paper blew it. With about 400 episodes to pick from, Homer has provided us with rich and robust philosophy of sports and the Republic could have taken this novel tie-in for tomorrow's Simpsons movie and come up with something a bit better

(the following were taken from the Simpsons Archive)

On the Pursuit of Excellence:
Lenny: Homer, last year, we were 2 and 28.
Homer: Look, I know it wasn't our best season...
Lenny: Actually, it was

On Baseball Statistics
Bart: [sees Homer's homemade bat] Wow! How many home runs you gonna
hit with that?
Homer: Let's see. We play thirty games. Ten at-bats a game. Mmm...
Three thousand.

On the Joy of Minor League Baseball
Homer: You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight may make it

to the big leagues someday.
Bart: What? Aren't we going to see any washed-up major-leaguers?

Homer: Sure! We get a nice mix here.

On the Joy of Children Playing Team Sports
Oh my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise; the loser will be taunted and booed
until my throat is sore!

On the Joy of Children Playing Team Sports, Part II
Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing
Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on
each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see
you both fighting for your parents' love!

It's Not If Your Children Win or Lose...
Man 1: What the heck is a tie game?
Man 2: Tie game?

Woman 1: What the hell?

Woman 2: This is outrageous!

Marge: Oh, I've never been so proud of them
Homer: [weeping] They're both losers. Losers!

David Beckham Eat Your Heart Out
TV Announcer: The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield!
It's all here--fast-kicking, low scoring, and ties? You bet!
Bart: Hey, Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game?

Homer: I...don't know.

TV Announcer: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga!

Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!
Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people.

TV Announcer: And they'll all be signing autographs!

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Soccer Fever, Catch it!
TV Announcer: This match will determine once and for all which nation is
the greatest on earth: Mexico or Portugal!
Homer: Oh, I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win

Sports as Art
Homer: Barney's movie had heart, but "Football in the Groin" had a football in the groin.

On Betting
Smooth Jimmy Apollo: [explaining his poor prediction]
Well, folks, when you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48%
of the time.
Homer: Why didn't you say that before!!

Jesus Put Down a Deuce on the Pharisees to Cover
Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong.
Even though they say it's okay in the bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?

Homer: Uh... Somewhere in the back.

This is Why I Go to Church at 7:30 AM
Lisa: Can I watch football with you again next Sunday?
Homer: Sure! You'll find it gets rid of the unpleasant aftertaste of church.

Who Can You Believe?
Football player: [being interviewed]
This team is fired up. We came here to play!
Homer: Aw right! [picks up the phone to place his bet]
Lisa: [scoffing] He'll lose.
Homer: What? Didn't you hear what he said?

Some People Get Landmarks Named After Them..
Kent: But first: Springfield has come down with a fever. Football
fever, brought on by the biggest game of the year: the Pigskin
Classic between the Shelbyville Sharks and our own Springfield
Atoms. If you have the fever, there's only one cure; take two
tickets and see the game Sunday morning.
Man: Warning: tickets should not be taken internally.

Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.